Never Would Have Made It, Without Her...

I was her oldest grandchild, so she loved me the most right away. She played a huge part in raising me. She spoiled me so much that when she would get me ready for school, she let me sleep while she got me dressed, just because she didn't want to wake me. I spent the weekend's and summer vacations with her, and we would have a ball. We would watch old TV shows like, the Mary Tyler Moore show and the Apollo, she would let me wear her nightgowns, and she would load up on my favorite snacks so we could munch all night long. She was my first friend outside of my mother, and I could tell her anything and she never tell a soul. People would ask me, "Are you a mommas baby or a daddy's girl"? I would always say, "I'm actually a Granny's Girl"! Doris Jean was my grandmother and to me she was the strongest person I knew, still the most loving.

We had a bond like no other. My granny never took mess from anybody, she was very stern. She would always tell us, if somebody did this and that to me I would (go with your imagination) because she didn't play. In fact when somebody had to tell her something not so good, they would call me to tell her because I was the only person she never raised her voice to. On the flip side, she was one of the funniest people I have ever met. She would have us laughing for hours talking about her adventures growing up, or the loony people at her job. Anytime you wanted to hear a story or feel her love, you could go to her house and she would be sitting outside on her porch. As soon as I would pull into her driveway and see her, I felt at home because she was my heart.

She was the granny who would cook every body's favorite for the holiday's, or get you that one thing that you wanted most in the world, and she took pleasure out of taking care of her family. The day's when I was just at a lost, she would call and I didn't have to say much, she knew I wasn't myself. She would send for someone to come and pick me up, and she would pamper me until I was back to myself. One time at 20, I had gotten the Chicken Pox and nobody wanted to come near me, lol, she sent for me. She cooked for me, gave me oatmeal baths, rubbed my hair to relax me. She probably saved my face because I was scratching sooo bad!

Once I got married, she couldn't WAIT for me to have some babies! I would say "Granny women are waiting longer these days to start a family". She would just shrug her shoulders and say "Whatever, you better hurry up before it's too late". After awhile, it felt like all she wanted was for me to have some babies, and I would be like Oh My God Granny, just wait. :)

After I got married I moved to Georgia. I know my mother and the rest of my family was sad, but she never said anything to let me know that she was feeling the same. She would call me every other day and just talk to me for a hour and give me updates, and the way she told a story was so funny, I was always entertained. Once I moved away, I begin to realize how much of an impact she was in my life. Looking back at all the days sitting on the porch with her and hearing her words, I realized she was giving me a part of her. She was teaching me how to be a lady, a friend, a mother, so many of the great things she was. She taught my family how to look out for one another, love each other no matter what, and to never give up on each other.

So many wonderful things I could say about Doris Jean, but I want to get on with the 2 points of this story. My Granny passed away on her actual birthday December 18, 2008 she turned 68 that day. What happens when you take the bolder away that's holding up the other rocks? They start to move and shift around, because they are not stable. My family, we are adjusting, still, it's not easy. We are getting better each day!

1st thing, people would ask me if I have any fears. I would say yeah, that my grandmother would pass before I had kids, because I need her to be here to help me. Words and fears are powerful because in this case my fear came to pass. No I'm not saying that's why she passed on, but what I am saying, when we walk around putting fears up high we are opening ourselves up for them to happen. After she passed I was walking around saying, I'm living my greatest fear...but I'm still alive. Fears are not real! Fears are not real!

2nd thing is, I lost one of the most important people in my life and I know normally our first reaction is to be hurt, and angry, but after that wore off, I finally understood and appreciated the sacrifice Jesus made for us. God sacrificed his only son so that we can have everlasting life.... so that I can have everlasting life and see my grandmother again. I pray everybody who is reading this forms a relationship with Jesus. I have a peace in my heart because without him I would have lost my mind, seriously, because I don't know how I have made it since she left, if it were not becaus of God.

This was the last picture I took with her. Had I known it was going to be the last one, I would have been sitting in her lap and kissing her red face. The last time I saw her was in Sept '08, she was in the hospital. She kept staring at me, and I noticed it, I would look back at her and she just looked me in the eyes, she must have known that was going to be the last time she would see me. When I left her that day I sat next to her in her bed kissed her, she smiled, and we said our I love yous and I left. You never know when it will be the last picture you take with someone, or the last conversation, so now I try and leave on a good note :) I had almost 31 years with the best granny in the world, and I am so grateful. Thanks to GOD we will see each other again because neither one of us would have made it without HIM!

Death
1 Thessalonians 4:13,14
Revelation 21:4

Fear
Romans 8:29, 31, 35-39
2nd Timothy 1:7

Polycystic Ovarian What??

Men readers please be advise, I'll be talking about some women issues, but please keep reading because this is dealing with healing.

If you all didn't know I use to be married and in 2006 we were ready for kids. I wasn't getting pregnant. I had always had an issue with my cycles since they started. They were never regular, and every doctor I went to could never figure out what was wrong with me, they would just give me a prescription for Birth Control pills. The pills always made me very sick and sometimes my cycles would cause a pain so bad, I couldn't walk, at all! Freshman year at Sam Houston, I lost so much blood I had become a sever anemic and I was pale as ever, still they had no clue what was going on with me.

In 2006, I went to see a wonderful fertility specialist, here in Los Angeles, Dr. Tina Koopersmith. She did a series of test and concluded I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). In short this is what was causing the out of control cycles, and also developed tiny cysts, and it was going to be harder to have a baby. I was somewhat nervous while she talked to m about PCOS and I'm sitting in the chair waiting on her to say, but I can fix you! She never said that, in fact she told me you can't cure the syndrome, I can only control it with pills. Ugh, I hate pills!

First thing first, I had to have a surgery to remove the cysts. Sounds easy but I had never had a surgery in my life, and I was terrified!! I had everybody pray for my strength and my surgery. I walked into the hospital like "G", whatever that means, LOL. After my surgery, my Dr. told me I had bad scar tissue and it was going to be even harder to get pregnant. After that she put me on so many pills, I acually lost count. About 2months later I decdied I wasn't ready for kids so she put me on some more pills, so I coud have a regular cycle, big horse pills, in which I was going to have to take for the rest of my life.

A few months later I reached out to a Prayer Warrior at my church and told her what was going on, and she told me I was healed but I needed to stand on the word and believe it, and she laid hands on me. This was right before my 30th birthday, and the next day I got up I honestly felt like a new person. That month I stopped taking all those pills, because I'd planned to go back to my Dr. and tell her we need to try something else. What I hadn't notice was that God had already worked it out for me. I started to notice my cycles were coming on time every month, on it's own. WOW! Now this is a woman who has never had a regular cycle, that's super exciting because God healed me. My Dr. told me I could never be healed from PCOS and I would have to take medicine for the rest of my life and it's going on 3 years, that I have had a regular cycle with no medicine!! Thank you Jesus!!!

This is my story and I can only tell you what happened to me. I'm not telling anyone to bump what their Dr tells them, just know they are humans too and don't have the last word.

Here is a website about PCOS in case any ladies have questions about the syndrome.
http://pcos.insulitelabs.com/PCOS-Symptoms.php

God is Amazing and h is still performing miracle's today. I know when I get married and I'm ready to have a baby, I will be able to have a baby. In case you all didn't know I'm naming my daughter Morgan. All my close friends and family know this already, they call her by name. : )

2009... My Time to Shine!

When I turned 30 in 2008, I remember thinking I was really an adult, finally. It actually felt like Wisdom came and sat on my shoulders. I understood a lot about life and why I did certain things when I was younger and wiser now at 30 to never do them again...some of them ;)! However my real life lesson started that next year, in 2009. So many things I'd been working on achieving for the past years were not manifesting, no matter how hard I trained and worked, certain relationships were not turning out to be the best for me, and on top of it all I started that year losing one of the most important people in my life. Not a good start ugh!! I started to question God and religion, moral issues, certain preachers, and how a Christian's life is suppose to go. I was at cross road in my life where I felt I did all that God wanted me to do and I was, for some reason stuck in the same place. I soon found out why.

One thing you should know, starving artist... really starve, LOL! For that reason when ever I would get money I would put it away, or shall we say stash it, and never do anything for myself, or for my craft. I was so worried about never having enough money, that it was driving me crazy. It got so bad that I would really think long and hard about going to catch a 10 dollar movie, or going to get a burrito from one of my favorite places, Chipolte. I would tithe but when it came down to only having a little money after my tithes, the worry monster came out and started to debate with me; God understands, pay him a little this week and the rest when you get some more money, just drop an IOU in the collection plate it'll be all good! Ummm No, ShaWanna. One day my mother, Sharon, said to me..."ShaWanna you can't serve two masters". I said "Who else am I serving"? She said, "Money". I paused on the phone like what on Earth is she talking about. She said you're not trusting God to take care of you and all of your needs, your depending on the money you have in your account, and she said when that runs out, then what? I remember telling her one day I was only going to try and spend 15 dollars for a week, and I jokingly said I was going to make it rain with these 15 dollars, LMBO! Then she laid into me. I had another friend at the time, Maco Faniel, preaching the same things my mother was preaching. So I took it to the word and meditated. Sure enough I was worshiping money. The real eye opener was that it wasn't all about money, I wasn't letting God work freely in my life, I wasn't trusting him to do his will, and bless me accordingly. So I told God I was giving everything over to him and I was going to trust him. What do you think happened next? The next day God was so happy with that he blessed me with everything I ever wanted?

Ummmm not so easy, it actually became harder. May of 2009, I needed to move within a month. Found a place and I started to need money for everything, moving, 2 deposits (for my Tia) so much other stuff. When I moved into the apt it had no fridge(Like most LA apartments) I had an issue with a cable company's termination fee in which they just took out 400 dollars out of my account. I'm telling you anything you could think of with money happened! Including my cartoon show ending, and not knowing of we were going to get picked up for another season, so now I don't have a job. Yes most of the time I worried, and I remember calling my mother and Maco some days crying, because I didn't understand that if I was giving it to God, why was he putting me through all of this?

At "In His Presence" Church, they were teaching us about 20 20 30 method. Where you praise/worship God for 20 minutes each then study the word for 30 minutes. This started to become the highlight of my morning. They also asked us at church one day who was ready to move up in their career, I stood up and they prayed for us. I knew that day God had an A Amazing future ahead for me and I all of a sudden worried no more. I started to praise God for my situation and I meant it! I thanked him for all I was going through and even when other things came up, I just laughed and forgot about it. In the midst of it all I continued to dream and worked on my dreams becoming reality. I continued to train as an actor, I put things on paper that I wanted to produce, and I continued to write plays that I wanted to see come to life. Good things started to happen.

Southern Girls Production, which is me and my producing partner Lisa Nicole Bell company, was up for a NAACP nomination for our play "Deal Breakers", I started to audition like 3 to 4 times a week. I was getting call backs from network shows and national commercials, and I developed a relationship with a lot of them. I became very strong with auditioning that it was like second nature, I think only actors understand this part right now. Southern Girls started producing another project, a documentary about Black life, I started enjoying life with friends, I was able to go to the movies and Chipolte and not worry ;) I even started to date intelligent, attractive men, that's the best part, J/K! And I have never had to worry about money, clothes, or food.

So many great things happened in 2009, that it made me look back and I saw what God has brought me through; Divorce, He healed me of an illness, the passing of my Granny, certain weaknesses, sinful attitude, and most of all how to trust him. Trusting God is very scary, that's one of the reason I decided to blog, and tell you some of my experiences. I plan to tell you all about what I've been through and where I'm headed. Maybe if it doesn't help you, you can pass it on to someone that it may help.

Today, I'm super strong! I'm amazed at my strength and that's because God took me through deep waters and now I'm cleansed. In 2009 my relationship with God started to Shine...and it's getting brighter everyday!